Big Ten Mascots: The Untold Story

Yesterday, the mascots of the Big Ten joined the now well-entrenched craze consisting of making college football fans laugh/cringe via optical terror, also known as "singing and dancing to awful music." This craze has been birthed and propagated at places like Georgia, Missouri, Notre Dame, and Texas A&M (although, to be fair, the Aggies spared us their musical stylings in favor of complete obsequiousness). I'm afraid that there is nothing that can be done about this except to hope that a bunch of Michigan students don't make an awkward rap video centered around doing the "Hoke Walk" or something.

After breathing a sigh of relief at the fact that Michigan, yes, still does not have a mascot, I noticed two noteworthy absences: Northwestern's Willie the Wildcat and Purdue Pete. Why?, I thought. What could possibly be the reasons for such a noble and principled stand, particularly when nobility and principle have gone by the wayside in this age of increasingly NFL-ized college football? Luckily, I was able to secure an completely fabricated interview with these conscientious objectors. This is their story.