INDISPENSABLE RECRUITING ITEMS THAT YOU COULD DEFINITELY NOT LIVE WITHOUT

As you are most probably aware, this blog takes the business of recruiting with the utmost seriousness. There is nothing that an adult male can do to better prove their fandom than to obsessively track the actions of high school kids, and, as such, this blog definitely doesn't maintain a passive-aggressive relationship with the world of recruiting. Recruiting is serious business, and Holdin' the Rope certainly treats it as such.

After filling up on bread early on in the recruiting cycle, Brady Hoke and Co. have slowed down a bit in recent months. The Wolverines' last commitment came on the 21st of June, and in the months of April, May, and June, Hoke has picked up a total of six commitments. Of course, July has netted zero commitments, and has mostly been marked by baseless speculation and Twitterized tea leaf readings for Michigan recruitniks. Luckily, with the help of Holdin' the Rope's newly launched recruiting coverage effort, you, Mr. Michigan Man, will no longer have to live in the lightless dark of recruiting-related ignorance.

With that said, it is times like these when the recruiting soothsayers of the Internet truly prove their worth. With so few spots left to fill, and the remaining prospects naturally becoming more and more secretive about their thought processes as we got closer to next February, reliable recruiting information can be difficult to find. How do we know whether or not to feel happy or sad about our lives when such little recruiting news is out there for general consumption? Who do we even know to believe anymore in this increasingly cut-throat and unethical world of recruiting coverage? Well, Michigan fans: trust me. As soon as we here at HTR find out about something, we'll be the first to relay that information to your through a filter of useless prevarication, passive-aggressive non-statements, and retroactive chest thumping.
---
First of all, let's get to the most pressing bit of news on the recruiting docket, news that HTR has acquired via weeks of sleuthing, interviews, and dedicated research and fact-checking. Are you ready? HTR recruiting scoop numero uno: within the next two weeks--maybe even the next two months or years--something is going to happen. That's right, folks, something is going to happen. As we say here at Holdin' the Rope whenever recruiting things are about to go down: fasten your safety belt.

Things are happening, we can promise you that. Now, for some added verisimilitude, here are some winking emoticons if you don't believe me by now. ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) Do you get it yet? Read between the lines. Whatever you're thinking right now, it's that. Yeah, that. 

Now that I've dropped this recruiting bombshell on you, replete with all the subtle winks and vague assurances that you crave, it's time to move on to the interview portion of this week's recruiting update. After tweeting at various prospects--most of whom ignored or blocked me--I finally was able to secure an interview with Generic Everyman, a 4-star prospect out of Normal, OH. Everyman has garnered offers from some of the most impressive football programs in the country, and would represent a big coup--a word which totally has more meaning in reference to recruiting updates as opposed to the toppling of oppressive autocracies--if Hoke were to acquire his commitment (especially as another recruiting victory in the Buckeye state). 

Holdin' the Rope: So, Generic, tell me about your recruiting timetable? Are you thinking about making a decision soon to get it over with or are you going to wait it out until Signing Day? 

Generic Everyman: I'd like to make a decision soon, but I've been getting a lot of offers and I still need to sort through them all. Plus, Dad says I can't decide where I'm going to play football until I do my chores and my homework. I also want to spend some time thinking up a good away message for 

AIM. *

HTR: Sounds like you've got your head on straight. You sound like a Michigan Man already. 

GE: Yeah. 

HTR: What are your thoughts on Brady Hoke? Is he the coolest? 

GE: He's a cool guy. He talked about the tradition and academics of Michigan. My parents really liked that. Academics are really important to me. 

HTR: Academics are important to you, that's great. So, who would you say is in your top 10 right now? 

GE: Michigan, Alabama, Auburn, LSU, FSU, Southwest Crocodile State, Chick-fil-A, Arkansas, Tumbleweed State, and hush puppies. 

HTR: Hush puppies? That's not even a school. 

GE: Yeah, I know. They're my favorite food though. They're soooo good. 

HTR: Haha! Yeah, they are! Speaking of favorite things, all Michigan fans want to know: what's your favorite movie and why? 

GE: 21 Jump Street is probably my favorite. The acting is just so good. I didn't believe that that fat guy and that other guy could be friends, but they were in the movie and I believed it. That's just crazy. 

HTR: It is. Any other favorites?

GE: Well, I really like old school movies. I'm like a movie historian. 40 Year Old Virgin is a classic from way back in 2005. I love watching old movies just to see how people were a long time ago. 

HTR: Yeah, definitely. It sounds like you weren't kidding when you said you were serious about academics. 

GE: Yeah. It's important to me. 

HTR: Shifting back to football, do you have any visits to Michigan planned before you make your decision? 

GE: Yeah, I'm planning on coming up in September to visit for a game. 

HTR: Where would you say that Michigan is on your list so far? 

GE: They're on there. 

HTR: Oh, really? [ed: ;) ;) ;)]. Are they in your top 20? 

GE: Yes. 

HTR: Any other big news coming up for you? Are you excited about your senior season?

GE: Yeah. 

HTR: Well alright, thanks for talking to us. Good luck this season. 

GE: Well, it's not like I had a choice after you called my house 34 times in a row at 3 in the morning and tweeted at me non-stop Thanks. 

*This template may be outdated. 

---

Well, there you have it folks. To recap this week's edifying recruiting update: 

• Things are going to happen soon. I can't tell you what those things are because there are rules, but, rest assured, the skies are looking very BLUE these days ;). 
• Generic Everyman has Michigan on his top 20 list. He wants to make a decision soon, but he might not make his decision soon. He likes Michigan, but he also likes hush puppies and Chick-fil-A, so it may be tough to pull him away from the other schools on his list. Southwest Crocodile State emptied its endowment recently to add a Chick-fil-A to its student union; they may be the school to beat for Everyman's services. However, they might also not be the school to beat. Stay tuned. 
• GE's favorite movie is 21 Jump Street. Junior Hemingway wore the number 21 and was the frequent target of jump balls last year: could this be a sign? This type of expert symbology can only be found here at HTR's recruiting wing...or a Dan Brown novel! Of course, comparisons to Dan Brown can only mean good things, as he is an excellent writer, one that this humble self-anointed recruiting guru respects greatly!
• Academics are very important to GE and his parents. This obviously puts Michigan in the driver's seat, as the other schools either don't match-up academically or aren't even schools.  

Whenever anything happens, we'll let you know after the fact with vague allusions to the things that we knew but couldn't tell you before because something something!

Things to look forward to in next week's recruiting update: an update on that thing that's going to happen in either the near, medium, or distant future; we'll check back in with Generic Everyman to see how that geometry quiz went; and, lastly, we've got some exclusive news about some recruits who might be feeling blue...but not the "blue" that you might think! ;) Stay tuned and remember: fasten your safety belt, because your never know when recruiting things may or may not happen.**

**;)

Big Ten Mascots: The Untold Story

Yesterday, the mascots of the Big Ten joined the now well-entrenched craze consisting of making college football fans laugh/cringe via optical terror, also known as "singing and dancing to awful music." This craze has been birthed and propagated at places like Georgia, Missouri, Notre Dame, and Texas A&M (although, to be fair, the Aggies spared us their musical stylings in favor of complete obsequiousness). I'm afraid that there is nothing that can be done about this except to hope that a bunch of Michigan students don't make an awkward rap video centered around doing the "Hoke Walk" or something.

After breathing a sigh of relief at the fact that Michigan, yes, still does not have a mascot, I noticed two noteworthy absences: Northwestern's Willie the Wildcat and Purdue Pete. Why?, I thought. What could possibly be the reasons for such a noble and principled stand, particularly when nobility and principle have gone by the wayside in this age of increasingly NFL-ized college football? Luckily, I was able to secure an completely fabricated interview with these conscientious objectors. This is their story.

Michigan To Play Thursday Night Game Sign of the Apocalypse

ANN ARBOR, MI--In a release sent out earlier today, it was announced that Michigan would be playing a Thursday night game (HT: MGoBlog*) for the first time in its long and storied history. The Wolverines will travel to Utah to take on the Utes at Rice-Eccles Stadium, a rare weekday darby for a program that prides itself on tradition and honor and noon kickoffs. This is a sign of the imminent Apocalypse, to be sure.

Michigan has in fact played weekday games before, most memorably a Friday night contest in 2003 against Minnesota in the Metrodome. However, playing on Thursday has never been done by a Wolverine football team. Naturally, concerns abound as a result of this controversial move.

Given the Michigan fan base's voracious appetite for the traditional, we went out into the field to do some crowd sourcing, asking Michigan fans the most obvious and salient questions: is this the straw that broke the Universe's back? Is it officially time to lose all hope? Will it be possible to complain about Dave Brandon in a world which no longer exists? Will Michigan fans be able to continue a carefully nurtured brand of lifelong sanctimony in what could quite possibly be a lawless and anarchistic post-apocalyptic society? In light of this news, these are the important questions of our time.

"This is simply the worst possible outcome. Murphy's Law indeed, ha!" said Winston Tweedington, 52, a wealthy Michigan alumnus and man of great importance. However, Tweedington's tone instantaneously shifted from playful to somber. "It's a slippery slope, to be sure. Next we will find ourselves side by side with the medicore hoi polloi," Tweeington muttered with undisguised disgust. "The...Mid-American Conference. Bah!"


Tweedington picked up steam. "First it's Thursday night games, and next thing you know...that's right, my journalistic fellow. We'll begin to admit athletes solely on the basis of their athletic exploits as opposed to the strength of their body of work on the gridiron of scholastic pursuit! I worry whether or not Michigan will find itself out of place with its similarly-minded peers: the Ivy League, Northwestern, Stanford, Vanderbilt, and so forth," Tweedington said, with no hint of irony to be found in his tone as he languidly held a glass of scotch and played with the lapel of his smoking jacket with a carelessness that verged on noble apathy.

Based on our brief interview, Tweedington seemed to be tragically resigned to a fate that was, in his mind, beneath him; however, we here at the Generic Horrible News Network often marvel at the vast spectrum and the many different manifestations of fandom that can be found at a football institution like Michigan.

John Smith, 44, of Eight Point Buck, Michigan had his own concerns about this development. "Football on a Thursday?" Smith asked. "Heck, that's no good for me. The folks walkin' into Walmart ain't gonna greet themselves, you know? Man's gotta work," he said, wiping a fleck of Costco hot dog from his $3 shirt that he purchased in 1984. Adjusting for inflation, this shirt was worth approximately 92 cents when purchased, which Smith proudly admitted to paying for with a sack of pennies and expired Big Boy gift certificates.

"I didn't go to Michigan, but hey, football's football, right? I don't need some fancy Wall Street guy to tell me when to watch. All I know is, I'll be parked on that couch over there at noon that Saturday, telling everybody in the house not to breathe for three hours...on account of the reception on those rabbit ears getting all sorts of messed up," Smith explained. Whereas Tweedington saw this as a grave setback, Smith appeared to take the news with a charmingly folksy resolve. Nothing would stop him from watching the game on Saturday, even if it meant not watching the game at all.

Variety is the spice of life, they say, and there is certainly no shortage of variety with respect to this Hungarian Wax Pepper of an issue.

In order to hit the youth demographic, we also spoke with several current Michigan students. An LSA sophomore, who asked to be referred to simply as "The Chad," had his own unique take on this new territory for Michigan football. "Thursday? THIS THURSDAY?? BRO. Something's going down and nobody told me? Check this, I'm about to send the illest angry email to the house listserv bro," said The Chad, plainly upset that no one had told him anything. The Chad pulled out a laptop emblazoned with the symbols of youth culture: stickers "repping"--as they say--Entourage, obscure unlistenable house music, and a context-less quote from The Boondock Saints. 


Upon informing The Chad that nothing out of the ordinary was in fact going down this Thursday, and that the Thursday in question centered around a football game taking place in 2015, The Chad remarked, "Football? Is that that thing that comes after the drinking?"

We also spoke with a junior majoring in engineering student who was surprisingly ecstatic upon hearing this news: "Great, now I don't have to set aside time for watching football. All that time spent in the Big House or at road games on Saturdays is just plain inefficient," the remarkably Vitamin D-deficient junior explained matter-of-factly. After a few moments, the student went on to ask, "Wait. What's football?"

Finally, we took the liberty of entering a crowded lecture hall--assembled for the esteemed Linda Gregerson's "Shakespeare's Principal Plays" course--and asking several students for their thoughts. We approached one student, near the back of the cavernous East Hall lecture room, who seemed half asleep and had his laptop open to a blank Microsoft Word document. The black progress marker flicked in and out of existence on the empty page, a startling reminder of the ever constant nature of change, of birth, death, and rebirth.

We not at all disruptively made our way down the row, forcing everyone to stand up--and giving acerbic glares to those who didn't--as we made our way toward the student. We sat down next to him and carefully poked him out of his probably unsatisfying semi-slumber, which caused him to jolt up and  sleepily say "Yeah man Hamlet, sucks for that guy that he stabbed," before trailing off and noticing my presence. "Who are you?" he asked, startled.

I asked, "What do you think about Michigan's schedule Thursday night game against Utah to be played in 2015?" Gregerson noticed all of this and audibly sighed at the podium, continuing with her lecture on the basics of iambic pentamter, Hamlet's existential crisis, and how Shakespeare totally didn't have a team of probably underpaid ghostwriters.

The student, an undeclared LSA freshman, perked up at the question, turning to his laptop and pointing to the website displayed on his browser,"mgoblog.com."

He began, "Well, on MGoBlog, the best source of news on Michigan sports anywhe--," he said, before we cut him off, took his Mountain Dew, and dumped its contents on his head.

"THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR READING BLOGS, IDIOT. TRADITIONAL MEDIA RIDE OR DIE!"At that point, we were forced to leave, but not until many passive aggressive Shakespeare verses and tawdry pun-based epithets were hurled at us while we were sent on our way.

Unfortunately, Dave Brandon was unable to be reached for comment, as he was at the Anti-Tradition League's annual Anti-Tradition Cosmic Bowling tournament, a philanthropic event whose proceeds go directly to Michigan's burgeoning Advertising and Marketing Budget.**

We were, however, able to reach Terry Schmidt, Brandon's lead marketing guru and assistant to the AD.

"We're really excited about what we've got in store for that Thursday at Utah. Let's just say we've got some pretty revolutionary ideas cooking up there in the ol' noggin', some things that will really get our principal market demograpics goin'," Schmidt said, somewhat ambiguously pointing to the box of pizza on his desk and then to the Michigan jersey on the wall.

We returned to Tweedington to ask if he had any thoughts about what Schmidt had told us. Tweedington sighed dramatically before walking over to the gramophone in the corner of his study and playing his vinyl copy of Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata", which was notably scuffed, bearing the telltale markings of overuse.

Some fans are dealing with the news differently than others, but make no mistake about it: whether it triggers the end of the world or not, change is coming. Clear your evenings on Sept. 3, 2015, Michigan fans. You're going to be watching football, whether you like it or not.
---
*A traditional news outlet HTing a blog...ha! It's almost as if this post is facetious in nature!
**Brought to you by Arby's.