Tuesday, July 17, 2012


As you are most probably aware, this blog takes the business of recruiting with the utmost seriousness. There is nothing that an adult male can do to better prove their fandom than to obsessively track the actions of high school kids, and, as such, this blog definitely doesn't maintain a passive-aggressive relationship with the world of recruiting. Recruiting is serious business, and Holdin' the Rope certainly treats it as such.

After filling up on bread early on in the recruiting cycle, Brady Hoke and Co. have slowed down a bit in recent months. The Wolverines' last commitment came on the 21st of June, and in the months of April, May, and June, Hoke has picked up a total of six commitments. Of course, July has netted zero commitments, and has mostly been marked by baseless speculation and Twitterized tea leaf readings for Michigan recruitniks. Luckily, with the help of Holdin' the Rope's newly launched recruiting coverage effort, you, Mr. Michigan Man, will no longer have to live in the lightless dark of recruiting-related ignorance.

With that said, it is times like these when the recruiting soothsayers of the Internet truly prove their worth. With so few spots left to fill, and the remaining prospects naturally becoming more and more secretive about their thought processes as we got closer to next February, reliable recruiting information can be difficult to find. How do we know whether or not to feel happy or sad about our lives when such little recruiting news is out there for general consumption? Who do we even know to believe anymore in this increasingly cut-throat and unethical world of recruiting coverage? Well, Michigan fans: trust me. As soon as we here at HTR find out about something, we'll be the first to relay that information to your through a filter of useless prevarication, passive-aggressive non-statements, and retroactive chest thumping.
First of all, let's get to the most pressing bit of news on the recruiting docket, news that HTR has acquired via weeks of sleuthing, interviews, and dedicated research and fact-checking. Are you ready? HTR recruiting scoop numero uno: within the next two weeks--maybe even the next two months or years--something is going to happen. That's right, folks, something is going to happen. As we say here at Holdin' the Rope whenever recruiting things are about to go down: fasten your safety belt.

Things are happening, we can promise you that. Now, for some added verisimilitude, here are some winking emoticons if you don't believe me by now. ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) Do you get it yet? Read between the lines. Whatever you're thinking right now, it's that. Yeah, that. 

Now that I've dropped this recruiting bombshell on you, replete with all the subtle winks and vague assurances that you crave, it's time to move on to the interview portion of this week's recruiting update. After tweeting at various prospects--most of whom ignored or blocked me--I finally was able to secure an interview with Generic Everyman, a 4-star prospect out of Normal, OH. Everyman has garnered offers from some of the most impressive football programs in the country, and would represent a big coup--a word which totally has more meaning in reference to recruiting updates as opposed to the toppling of oppressive autocracies--if Hoke were to acquire his commitment (especially as another recruiting victory in the Buckeye state). 

Holdin' the Rope: So, Generic, tell me about your recruiting timetable? Are you thinking about making a decision soon to get it over with or are you going to wait it out until Signing Day? 

Generic Everyman: I'd like to make a decision soon, but I've been getting a lot of offers and I still need to sort through them all. Plus, Dad says I can't decide where I'm going to play football until I do my chores and my homework. I also want to spend some time thinking up a good away message for 
AIM. *

HTR: Sounds like you've got your head on straight. You sound like a Michigan Man already. 

GE: Yeah. 

HTR: What are your thoughts on Brady Hoke? Is he the coolest? 

GE: He's a cool guy. He talked about the tradition and academics of Michigan. My parents really liked that. Academics are really important to me. 

HTR: Academics are important to you, that's great. So, who would you say is in your top 10 right now? 

GE: Michigan, Alabama, Auburn, LSU, FSU, Southwest Crocodile State, Chick-fil-A, Arkansas, Tumbleweed State, and hush puppies. 

HTR: Hush puppies? That's not even a school. 

GE: Yeah, I know. They're my favorite food though. They're soooo good. 

HTR: Haha! Yeah, they are! Speaking of favorite things, all Michigan fans want to know: what's your favorite movie and why? 

GE: 21 Jump Street is probably my favorite. The acting is just so good. I didn't believe that that fat guy and that other guy could be friends, but they were in the movie and I believed it. That's just crazy. 

HTR: It is. Any other favorites?

GE: Well, I really like old school movies. I'm like a movie historian. 40 Year Old Virgin is a classic from way back in 2005. I love watching old movies just to see how people were a long time ago. 

HTR: Yeah, definitely. It sounds like you weren't kidding when you said you were serious about academics. 

GE: Yeah. It's important to me. 

HTR: Shifting back to football, do you have any visits to Michigan planned before you make your decision? 

GE: Yeah, I'm planning on coming up in September to visit for a game. 

HTR: Where would you say that Michigan is on your list so far? 

GE: They're on there. 

HTR: Oh, really? [ed: ;) ;) ;)]. Are they in your top 20? 

GE: Yes. 

HTR: Any other big news coming up for you? Are you excited about your senior season?

GE: Yeah. 

HTR: Well alright, thanks for talking to us. Good luck this season. 

GE: Well, it's not like I had a choice after you called my house 34 times in a row at 3 in the morning and tweeted at me non-stop Thanks. 

*This template may be outdated. 
Well, there you have it folks. To recap this week's edifying recruiting update: 
  • Things are going to happen soon. I can't tell you what those things are because there are rules, but, rest assured, the skies are looking very BLUE these days ;). 
  • Generic Everyman has Michigan on his top 20 list. He wants to make a decision soon, but he might not make his decision soon. He likes Michigan, but he also likes hush puppies and Chick-fil-A, so it may be tough to pull him away from the other schools on his list. Southwest Crocodile State emptied its endowment recently to add a Chick-fil-A to its student union; they may be the school to beat for Everyman's services. However, they might also not be the school to beat. Stay tuned. 
  • GE's favorite movie is 21 Jump Street. Junior Hemingway wore the number 21 and was the frequent target of jump balls last year: could this be a sign? This type of expert symbology can only be found here at HTR's recruiting wing...or a Dan Brown novel! Of course, comparisons to Dan Brown can only mean good things, as he is an excellent writer, one that this humble self-anointed recruiting guru respects greatly!
  • Academics are very important to GE and his parents. This obviously puts Michigan in the driver's seat, as the other schools either don't match-up academically or aren't even schools.  

Whenever anything happens, we'll let you know after the fact with vague allusions to the things that we knew but couldn't tell you before because something something!

Things to look forward to in next week's recruiting update: an update on that thing that's going to happen in either the near, medium, or distant future; we'll check back in with Generic Everyman to see how that geometry quiz went; and, lastly, we've got some exclusive news about some recruits who might be feeling blue...but not the "blue" that you might think! ;) Stay tuned and remember: fasten your safety belt, because your never know when recruiting things may or may not happen.**


1 comment:

  1. Although I feel as though I know a lot about this recruit, you failed to mention an important point. Is he an ESP or an EMP?

    Every Skilled Position or Every Mammoth Position?